The Shattering Secrets of the Mormons

It seems that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Republican presidential nomination has revealed that a certain level of suspicion of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) still exists in these United States.

“Rival camps take aim at Romney’s religion” says the Boston Globe story, wherein we find operatives from the McCain, Brownback and Giuliani campaigns quietly highlighting the fact that Romney is a Mormon and questioning whether Mormons are really Christians, their treatment of women, revealing the “secret” that Romney’s ancestors were polygamists and in general trying to place doubt in the minds of primary voters about suitability of any Mormon to be President.

Their points are well-taken, and their sneaky, underhanded whispering campaign is of course entirely justified in the service of a higher ideal.

A little background; as a man born and raised in the Mormon Church, one who only escaped the clutches of Mormonism due to my voracious consumption of Robert A. Heinlein novels beginning at age 11, I’m uniquely qualified to give you, the reader, the inside scoop. I find it hard, so very, very hard, to reveal these painful truths, but in the interests of full disclosure, fair play and the prevention of a National Catastrophe, I will now expose the SHATTERING SECRETS OF THE MORMONS!

First, let us take on the myth that Mormons are Christians. They, after all, believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, that he died for the remission of our sins and was resurrected…so, other theological claims aside, they’re obviously not Christians.

The Mormon man’s treatment of his woman (yes, polygamy was banned a mere 107 years ago) is another major cause for concern; why, in my childhood I witnessed any number of instances of my mother talking back to my father, disagreeing with his edicts and commands and paying the price for it when they discussed the matter and decided that she was right; a more terrible example for an impressionable young man’s mind could scarcely be contemplated. Even now I find myself doing the same from time to time, perpetuating a “cycle of nonviolence” that I fear will continue even to my son’s future family, and beyond. It’s also true that Mormons don’t allow women to join the priesthood, a radical idea that no other religious group would dare contemplate whether in the past or in our own enlightened age, when our best academic minds are (almost) unanimous that there are absolutely no differences between the sexes (apart from an annoying bit of plumbing).

But really, these are mere bagatelles when compared to the really SHATTERING SECRET that I’m about to reveal here for the first time in print—a secret so shameful that any sociology professor at an elite private university would be struck dumb, or perhaps blind, were they to learn of it (sociology professors, you have been warned):

In every Mormon church building in this Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave there is a room, dare I say it, a secret room, even though were you to look at this room in the full light of day you’d find nothing unusual about it. But…every week there assemble in this seemingly ordinary room young Mormon lads, as young as eight years of age, and their adult leaders, and what happens then is far too frightening to easily contemplate; even though it has been more than thirty years since last I was subjected to this, this subtle brainwashing, still it is seared, seared in my memory as if it happened yesterday. For in this room the very first thing that happens is a prayer, said “in the name of Jesus Christ, amen” and then begin the strange and terrible rituals—the cultish salute to a mysterious standard, followed by instruction in various manual and intellectual arts and sciences, the better to prepare the young men to fulfill the duties that have been preordained for them by the authorities. Martial symbols, arts and even, God help us, implements, are studied, explained and/or handled. Survivalist techniques and literature are freely read and discussed.

Most frightening of all, an Oath is taken.

It’s true my friends, all too true; young Mormon boys are practically forced to attend Boy Scout meetings weekly, to be drilled and programmed and brainwashed into keeping themselves Physically Strong, Mentally Awake and Morally Straight.

For this reason alone, irrespective of all theological and cultural differences, no Mormon can ever be allowed to become President of the United States.

(Cross-posted at Eternity Road)